Astrid and Veronika

This last week I read a book that I know will never leave me. "Astrid and Veronika" is not a fast-paced page turner. Instead, it's a gem of a book, meant to be savored. The story is about two unlikely friends--one old and one young--and how they help to heal each other's guilt and sorrow with supreme patience and understanding. I didn't want the book to end, but even the ending was superb. This is one of my top ten favorite books of the last 30 years. Definitely. It's beautiful.

My first attempt

I subscribe to a wonderful "virtual" publication called "Fibre and Stitch" magazine. (http://www.fibreandstitch.com/) As part of the subscription you get to be part of a listserv of wonderfully creative and artistic people. I don't actually feel worthy to be among them, but I view this list as my preparation for "the afterlife"--my life after I retire. (My son will be through college, I'll retire and I'll magically become more creative. Yeah, that's it...)

It happened to be my friend, Susan's, birthday last week, and though I was going through one of the hardest days of my adult life and didn't wish her a happy birthday until nearly bed time, she was very kind and gracious about my senior moment. I've been working on this present for her for the past few weeks, but I'm satin-stitchily challenged and was fighting with it for quite a while. All it took was one post to these generous and helpful list members and I had enough suggestions to be able to pull it off. (Well, pretty much. It's not all that pretty when examined closely but we just won't go there, alright?) It was fun to make, mostly because of the terrific directions (which are among the free projects on their website).

Anyway, Susan's a gardener so she needed a padfolio to make her seed lists in the spring (and her grocery lists the rest of the year) and this was a fun thing to make for someone who's been so good to me for over 20 years now.

Happy (belated) birthday, Susan. Thanks for being my friend, my sense of reason when I'm being a headless chicken, the second-mother to my child, a wonderful person to share this middle-aged no-man's-land with, and one of the best people I know.

And thank you to the generous people on the listserv who helped me finish the project.

And you can't have Evan, either.

The Bad Week Antidote

After the worst week I've had in the library in years (let's hear it for men with bad tempers, shall we?) I decided that making a fabric postcard for my mother would be a nice way to come back to "reality". I made one for my aunt, too. I come from a family of very, very funny, and very spiffy women. They taught me all I know about being a "red hot mama."

Me and my meme

I don't usually do memes, but I saw a fun one, both on Diane's blog and on The Boastful Baker, so I thought I'd give it a try. Here's how the mosaic came out:












Here are the questions:

1. What is your first name? Barb (My name is actually Barbara Ann, but we won't go there, will we?)

2. What is your favorite food? Chicken dijon. (Mmmmm.)

3. What high school did you go to? Kiona-Benton High School. (There aren't any pictures of it on Flickr, so you'll have to settle for what my town looked like.)

4. What is your favorite color? Lapis

5. Who is your celebrity crush? Colin Firth. (Yum.)

6. Favorite drink? Pepsi. (I know, I'm just a kid, still.)

7. Dream vacation? Italy. A villa, specifically.

8. Favorite dessert? Creme Brulee

9. What you want to be when you grow up? Transcendent. I have a lot of growing up to do.

10. What do you love most in life? Laughter

11. One Word to describe you. Irreverent.

12. Favorite Music? All kinds, but who can beat John Denver?

Turning over a new leaf in May

And the final one, the only one that was on time.

I'm sad that I won't be in the next Bead Journal Project--too much is going on in my life right now, and I really wasn't able to give it the time I wanted to. But I learned so much from it, and I'll always be glad I participated. I definitely learned a lot about self-discipline and what you can do when you push.

I am determined to turn over a new leaf as this page symbolizes. I am a caretaker. I worry more about other people and their needs than I do about myself. That has to stop. I need to show as much caring for myself as I do for other people. I've always been worried that that's selfish, but I'm realizing that it's just reasonable. I worry constantly about letting other people down, about not giving them what they need. The last few months have shown me that I need to give myself what I need, too. What I need is time, quiet, space...whether other people understand it or not.

I've been mother to my own mother, mother to people at work, mother to friends. I comfort, reassure, anticipate needs. I do the same for my own son, who's the person who should actually be getting those things. And I also need to mother myself enough to bring myself back to health--physically, emotionally, psychologically.

April BJP

Ah, one of the most emotionally honest and on-point journal pages. Who hasn't fantasized about just flying away? In one of my favorite books, "Time Off From Good Behavior", Susan Sussman says, "Show me a woman who hasn't fantasized getting in the car and leaving home and I'll show you a woman who doesn't know how to drive." It isn't always leaving home--sometimes it's leaving a job, leaving your life. Sometimes the Maine woods sound really good to me. But it's just a desire for escape, isn't it? A desire to have the *ability* to run away from your life, even if you wouldn't do it. To know that I *can* if I want. As my friend Linda likes to say when I'm stuck in a meeting and she's not, "I can go in; I can go out; I can go in; I can go out..." It's the choice that feels good.

April was a month where the urge to escape was at its greatest. But escape from what, exactly? Nothing I could put my finger on. Just...life.

The ribbon I dyed doesn't look as good on the picture as it did in real life. It was a combination of blues and greens that nearly made me swoon with pleasure. I love color.